Finding Support
Grieving the loss of a young person is a deeply difficult experience, that often feels out of place and hard to make sense of. As Catholics, we attempt to meet this kind of loss with both sorrow and hope. While we mourn the absence of a life that seemed full of promise, we also trust that their soul is held securely in the presence of God. Scripture reminds us that Jesus is close to the brokenhearted and that in Him, death is not the end but the beginning of eternal life. In the midst of pain, we pray to find comfort in the promise of heaven, the hope of reunion, and the assurance that God’s love and purpose remain, even in our deepest grief.
Praying with the Family
When a Loved One is At or Near Death
In the event of a tragic accident or a sudden illness, the Church recommends that a family member or loved one contact a priest immediately. Call the nearest parish; a hospital may also have a phone number available. A priest is on call to handle these types of situations. At this time, he may provide the Last Rites or the Sacrament of the Anointing of the Sick. It is a final chance for your loved one to make amends with God. It also entrusts the person to our Lord, preparing his/her heart to meet his/her Maker. If the person passes away, the family will want to make preparations for the funeral. Funerals are a way to mourn and pray for the soul of the faithfully departed.
Planning a Vigil, Funeral, and Burial
Planning a vigil, funeral and burial is never easy, especially if you were close to the person who died. Thankfully, you are not alone in this process. A priest, deacon or parish staff person will assist you. A Mass of Christian Burial (funeral) can be arranged and special prayers can be offered for the deceased member and for the family. This provides an opportunity to mourn and pray for the dead. If there is an open casket, view the physical remains if you want to.
Masses for the Dead
Masses for the dead have infinite value for the souls of the departed. The Church believes that the dead who go to Purgatory receive relief through the prayers of the faithful. It is believed that Purgatory is a place to be purified of the effects of venial sin. Mass is also a way for loved ones to pray and grieve. While the bereaved can arrange such Masses, others, even non-Catholics, can arrange to have such Masses said.
Finding Support After a Loss
- Turn to friends and family – Now is the time to lean on the people who care about you, even if you take pride in being strong and self-sufficient. Draw loved ones close, rather than avoiding them, and accept the assistance that’s offered. Oftentimes, people want to help but don’t know how, so tell them what you need, e.g., a shoulder to cry on or help with funeral arrangements.
- Draw comfort from your faith – Spiritual activities such as praying, meditating, or going to church can offer solace. If you’re questioning your faith in the wake of the loss, talk to a clergy member or others in your religious community.
- Join a support group – Grief can feel very lonely, even when you have loved ones around. Sharing your sorrow with others who have experienced similar losses can help. To find a bereavement support group in your area, contact local hospitals, hospices, funeral homes, and counseling centers.
- Talk to a therapist or grief counselor – If your grief feels like too much to bear, call a mental health professional with experience in grief counseling. An experienced therapist can help you work through in- tense emotions and overcome obstacles to your grieving.
Bereavement Resources
Catholic Cemeteries of the Diocese of Bridgeport offers programs for those who are grieving.
Learn More
Myth or Fact? When Dealing with Death or Grief
Fact: Death is a mystery (Gaudium et Spes 18) and it only occurs once to man (Heb 9:27). As Catholics, we believe that the dead will be raised in the final judgment.
Fact: Those who experience a loss need other people to help them grieve in a healthy manner. It is hard to grieve alone. When people suppress their grief or if no one is willing to listen to them, they may manifest psychological problems as their feelings of loss intensify.
Fact: The Catechism of the Catholic Church states in paragraph 2280 that: "Everyone is responsible for his life before God who has given it to him...We are obliged to accept life gratefully and preserve it for [God’s] honor and the salvation of our souls...[Life] is not ours to dispose of.” It goes on to say: "We should not despair of the eternal salvation of persons who have taken their own lives. By ways known to him alone, God can prove the opportunity for salutary repentance." (CCC 2283)
Fact: Death is a result of original sin (Gen 2:17-19). All of us die. Some die earlier than others. Death can be difficult to understand, and we may wonder “Why?” but we know that God is not using death as a punishment. Rather, God is calling man to himself for all of eternity (CCC 1011).
Fact: There is no “proper” length of time to grieve. Each person experiences grief in a unique way. Healing takes time.
Grieving with the Family
This information should be helpful when interacting with the family of a deceased friend or relative. Always respect the wishes of grieving family members. These suggestions should fit the families’ needs and requests.
First Steps
- In the vast majority of cases the family will want to see the friends of their loved one. They find it comforting. If you were a close friend or relative of the deceased, you may want to visit the family at their home.
- Regardless of the depth of your relationship with the family, let them hear from you either by a call or a note.
Communication
- When you visit, do not worry about what to say; your presence is all that is needed. Flowers or cards are nice.
- Don’t be afraid you will upset the remaining family by asking or talking about the deceased; they are already upset.
- Just sitting with the family may be all that’s needed. Don’t be afraid of silence. Usually, the silence is broken by talking about the memories of the deceased loved one.
- Offer suggestions only when advice is asked. Do not tell the a family member to feel better since there are other family members and loved ones still alive.
- No cliché statements (e.g., “He’s better off now since he now has no pain”).
- Offer physical comfort.
- Ask the grieving party what you can do to help.
- Listen, no matter what the topic.
- Call to check on loved ones at a later time.
- Talk about the deceased person (grieving people really like telling stories about the deceased, “Do you remember the time. . .”).
- Don’t be afraid to cry with those who are grieving the loss of a loved one.
Loss For Children
Children may be especially upset and express feelings about the loss of their loved one. These reactions are normal. Listed below are some problems you may see in a child:
- Excessive fear of darkness, separation, or being alone;
- Clinging to parents, fear of strangers;
- Worry;
- Increase in immature behaviors;
- Not wanting to go to school;
- Changes in eating/sleeping behaviors;
- Increase in either aggressive behavior or shyness;
- Bed wetting or thumb sucking;
- Persistent nightmares; and/or
- Headaches or other physical complaints
The following may help your child:
- Talk with your child about his/her feelings. Share your feelings, too.
- Talk about what happened. Give your child information he/she can understand.
- Reassure your child that you are safe and together. You may need to repeat this reassurance often.
- Hold and touch your child often.
- Spend extra time with your child at bedtime.
- Allow your child to mourn or grieve over a lost toy, a lost blanket, a lost home.
- If you feel your child is having problems at school, talk to his/her teacher so you can work together to help your child.
Family Discussion
Guidelines for Family Discussion
- Review the facts and dispel rumors about death.
- Share your feelings with each other. It is not uncommon to go through an array of emotions ranging from fear to anger to sadness to peace. Possible discussion: What as it like for you when you first heard the news? How are you feeling right now?
- As parents, you will want to let your children know where to turn to for support while dealing with grief. Some alternative persons that can support you and your loved ones may include a pastor, a deacon, a counselor, or a close friend. Discussion: How can you help each other through this? Who normally listens to you when you are going through a difficult time?
- Listen to each other. After the death of a loved one, it is often comforting to share the memories you have of the deceased. The conversation may start out as “Remember when...”
- Share information about the funeral and burial with your family. Often times, that family will select songs or readings provided by the pastor or deacon that remind them of their loved one and the redemption that follows death. Discussion: What songs or readings best reflect your loved one? Is there a particular song he/she liked?
- If the person died of an illness and it is appropriate to do so, discuss the illness. This is especially useful for younger children who may need to differentiate between the illness of the one who died versus other medical problems of others the child knows.
- If a suicide occurs, discuss facts and myths about suicide.